Let Me Explain

All my life I have had a plan, though most of the time the plan was laid out for me. I always tried to keep an eye on my future, and for the most part I was able to visualize my next move well before I needed to make most of my decisions. In my sophomore year of high school I was already preparing for my next big step, college. By then I had already decided I wanted to have some sort of career in the music industry and was on the hunt for the best school for my desired profession. During my junior year I had already picked my college of choice, Belmont University, and had begun looking forward to what I originally thought was my first taste of the "real world". Belmont was the only school I applied to, so naturally when I got accepted I felt unstoppable. However it was at this moment that the future began to blur in my mind.

Now as someone who had prepared for each big life decision by really visualizing what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and how I was going to get there, I was terrified. I tried not to let it bother me as I focused on living a normal college student life. Every time I would turn and try to take even a slight peek forward it was like I was staring at a wall, that at first was translucent, but as 4 years of college flew by, seemed to completely block me from seeing what was next. It probably didn't help that the economy and the music industry in particular were collapsing before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do about it.

Before I knew it I was walking down the isle, back to my seat, with my diploma in my hand. That was an extremely bittersweet moment for me. I was ecstatic to finally have made it to that point, but I knew the road ahead was about to get interesting. Couldn't find a job in Nashville so I had to move back in with my parents. I sat all summer looking for work that wasn't there, and when I finally found a job that was actually in my field my employer claimed he hit hard times and stopped paying me. I even tried to rekindle old friendships, just to find we don't have much, if anything, in common. It seemed I had nothing going for me and I felt myself sliding into depression. As I struggled to keep my head up I could feel my confidence, self esteem, self worth, and everything I knew about myself falling out of my reach. I then found solace in the most unusual place...Youtube.

My days consisted of playing video games in the morning, job searching in the early afternoon, and watching Youtube videos the rest of the day and sometimes late into the night. I used Youtube as my television and watched videos on everything: conspiracy theories, metaphysics, paranormal encounters, aliens, ancient civilizations, lost gospels, other religions...anything that I found interesting that day. 

At the moment it was awesome. I felt like I was learning so much about things that school would never teach us. I thought I was getting another glimpse of the "real world" and how it really functioned. But in hindsight it only cluttered my mind with information that may or may not be true, concepts that make partial sense, and ideas that make me sound crazy.

I say all this as a preface to my future posts. I wrote a lot of my thoughts down while I was going through this time, and to help me clear my head I am going to go through my notes and try to elaborate on what I was feeling at the moment. I feel I am in a much better place than I was then, but as I slowly reintroduce myself into society from what seemed to be an epic journey, I know I have a long road ahead. This blog is a vehicle to help me move forward.